Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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