Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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