when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
