Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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