You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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