You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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