I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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