I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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