the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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