There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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