I faked an abortion last night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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