NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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