drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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