ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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