Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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