quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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