she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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