I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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