where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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