'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
