Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
