i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
