Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
