capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
