Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
