Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
