He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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