Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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