All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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