I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
