she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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