i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
