I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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