You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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