This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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