i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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