Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
