you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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Just high enough for therapy.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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