My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
