Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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