he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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