1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
