The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
