I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
