tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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