The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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