my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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