it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
be right there i have to get my cape
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
