I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
