Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When did angry sex become our thing?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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