I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
