i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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