I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You are a genius and a whore.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
