Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
