woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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