I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
