if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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